I am writing this post with a heavy heart. I debated with myself whether I would post or not. Since I began this blog long ago as a way to document my life I decided that I would post. Then when I added the fact that my first project for this blog was 30 days of trying, it was settled.
My heart is quite heavy because my dear mother is in declining health. Mom's health has been declining for some years but the rate of her decline is increasing at a speed I am not adjusting to.
My mom is 64 years old. She has been married to my father for 44 years. My mom stayed home with me and my 3 siblings and did the most incredible job. I truly remember every single day of my life at home as bright and cheerful and nurturing. There is no way anyone could have been a better mom to me.
About 9 years ago she began to experience memory loss. She was only 55 years old. Her mental status continued to decline, while at her young age her physical health showed no signs of slowing down. Two years ago my father and the family agreed to place her in a very wonderful assisted living. The employees there are tremendous and care deeply for my mom and my father who visits with her for a minimum of 4 hours a day. Each and every day.
The past 6 months my mom has experienced slipping out of her bed and onto the floor at night. By the grace of God, she has not been injured in any of these falls. My father even designed and built her a bed that was inches off the floor in order to minimize her chances of any injuries.
The past week, the doctors believe my mom may have experienced a small stroke. She seems very weak and is drooling more than usual. She has also increased her slips out of bed. We realize this is the natural progression of her illness ( dementia ) but it has rocked me to the core this week.
I guess it is that the physical decline feels more tangible to me and that is undeniable. I am feeling deeper loss than I have felt in awhile.
I want my mom. I want to be able to call her and ask for advice. I want to go shopping for fabric with mom. I want to cook a meal with my mom. I want to go get my haircut with my mom. I want to sew with my mom. I want to laugh with my mom. I want to eat a meal we prepared together. I want to walk around the block with my mom. I want my mom.